


Regrets Almost Made

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Accidental Outing, Coming Out, M/M, Panic Attack, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Trans Male Character, drunk, ftm!dan, playlist party, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 08:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7794916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan ends up coming out to Phil not in the way he would have preferred.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets Almost Made

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a trans fic I wrote well over a year ago, and I'm now posting it to here as well as the previous posting to my tumblr.
> 
> I'll take this opportunity to say I do not like it when people who are not trans write trans fics (unless they have a trans beta working with them closely on it) and as a dfab demiboy, I enjoy writing these to get out my own feelings/thoughts.
> 
> With that said, hope you enjoy!

**Age 4**

“Mummy look what Nick gave me!” Dan cried enthusiastically, extending his small hands which were clenched around a beaded necklace. His mother looked up from the meal she was cooking, her face lighting up when she saw the item in his hand.

She smiled down at him. “That’s wonderful Danielle, why don’t you go put it on?” she said. Dan’s giddy smile dropped from his face as soon as the name left his mother’s mouth.

“It’s Dan, mummy, I’ve told you this,” he mumbled, a sense of unease settling in his gut.

Mrs. Howell frowns slightly, before setting down the wooden spoon she had been using. She then proceeded to crouch down to Dan’s small height.

“Is there a reason that you want to be called Dan?” she asked in a tone she hoped seemed welcoming. Dan shifted nervously on the spot, switching the balance of his weight from leg to leg.

“It’s too girlish,” he mumbled, the words having a hard time leaving his mouth and jumbling together. His mother frowned, placing her hand on his shoulder.

“What do you mean by too girlish?” she asked curiously, although she already has an idea where this is going. She’d seen the signs, and had already asked Dan’s doctor about it, although they said to wait.

“I’m not a girl. I’m a boy!” Dan piped up after a moment, a bright toothy grin finding his face, his dimple popping out on his cheek. Mrs. Howell let out a small sigh, but the corners of her lips quirk up into a small smile.

“Alright, Dan. Would you like me to cut your hair then?” she asked. Dan looked down at his shoulder-length curly hair and nodded happily.

“Yeah! I want it up to my ears,” he gushed, bouncing slightly up and down on the spot. She smiled fondly at her son, rising back up to her full height.

“Alright sweetheart, just let me finish your dinner first,” she said calmly. Dan groaned a bit, but the smile didn’t leave his face.

“Fine, I’ll go play Pokemon,” he said, before scurrying out of the room.

**Age 15**

“Honey, what are you doing?” Mrs. Howell asked, opening the door to her son’s room. Dan looked up from his laptop which was placed on his pillowcase.

“Watching YouTube, why?” he responded, pausing the video displayed upon his screen and pulling out his earbuds to look up at his mother.

“I was wondering if you’ve finished that assignment you had to do for maths,” she asked, standing just within the door frame.

Dan nodded, turning to pick up a packet to his left. “Yeah, I finished it,” he said, smiling at his mother.

Mrs. Howell walked over to Dan’s side, staring at the computer screen. “Is this that AmazingPhil you’ve been talking about so much?” she asked, inspecting the boy’s ebony hair quite similar to her son’s, and bright blue eyes. Dan flushed at the comment looking back at the screen.

“Yeah, it is,” Dan said putting a single earbud back in. Mrs. Howell smiled at her son, crossing her arms over her chest.

“He’s quite cute, I can see why you like him so much,” she commented, and Dan’s face turned bright red.

“Mum!” he cried, covering his face with his hands, his bracelets falling down his arms. “You can’t just say that!”

Mrs. Howell simply chuckled at her son’s behaviour, returning to the door. “You have an appointment for another puberty-blocker injection tomorrow, by the way,” she added. Dan looked up again and smiled.

“Okay. Is there any chance I can start T soon?” he asked enthusiastically. Mrs. Howell sighed, giving her son a sympathetic look.

“Sweetie, we’ve been over this, you can’t start testosterone until you’re sixteen,” she pointed out. Dan sunk a bit into his bed, the smile leaving his face. He nodded, letting out a sad sigh.

“Alright,” he mumbled. Mrs. Howell looked at her son sadly, knowing he’d wanted T since he learned of it’s existence.

She watched as he pressed play on the video again, and his smile almost immediately returned, as he smiled fondly at the boy on his screen. She smiled. That Phil person, even if he was older than Dan by quite a few years, made him happy, and that was enough to make her happy.

**Age 18**

“Did you pack your toothbrush?” Mrs. Howell asked, standing with her son at the train station, his bag slung over his shoulder and ticket in hand. Dan rolled his eyes, keeping a smile on his face all the while.

“Yes mum, for the tenth time, I have everything,” he assured her. She let out a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Alright, I just want this to go well for you. I mean, you’ve been watching Phil for years, and now you’re meeting him!” she said, smiling. Dan chuckled, shaking his head.

“Mum, I’m eighteen now, I can handle this. And I know you’re worried, but you even talked to him yourself, he’s a wonderful person,” he said. Mrs. Howell nodded.

“Alright, well I’ll see you in a few days,” she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Oh, and just wondering, does he... _know_ that you're trans? I don’t want this to be a bad experience for you.” Dan sighed, looking at his mother in the eyes.

“He is perfectly fine with people in the LGBT community, he’s bisexual himself. I’ll be fine,” he explained. “I’ll see you soon.” Dan walked away from his mother, getting onto the train that would carry him to meet the person he’d looked up to for years.

**Present Day**

Dan opens his eyes slowly, squinting at the bright light. He snuggles into the strong arms wrapped around him, a small smile playing at his lips. He turns over to look at the sleeping face of his boyfriend of nearly six years. Phil’s black hair falls across his forehead, and his chest rises and falls slowly. Dan leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Phil, come on, wake up,” he whispers softly, his voice slightly scratchy due to having just woken up. Phil’s eyes flutter open, and the familiar crooked smile spreads across his face.

“Good morning, love,” he murmurs, pressing his lips softly to Dan’s nose. Dan giggles softly, looking lovingly at his boyfriend.

“We have to get up for Playlist,” he points out, shifting to get up, but is stopped as Phil’s arms wrap tightly around his waist.

“No,” he murmurs, burying his head in Dan’s shoulder. Dan laughs softly at Phil’s sleepiness, turning back to face him.

“Come on, we’ve got to go meet with everyone else in the lobby in about two hours,” he murmurs. Phil groans softly, releasing Dan from his embrace, and sitting up in the bed, rubbing his eyes groggily. He reaches across to the side-table and picks up his glasses, placing them in a slightly crooked manner on his nose. Dan smiles fondly at him, before swinging his legs over the bed and standing up.

He stretches openly, yawning at the same time. He then walks to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Dan begins to get changed while Phil is occupying the bathroom.

Despite having been together for over five years at this point, he is yet to tell Phil that he’s transgender. Phil's somehow never found the syringes in their bathroom and testosterone he keeps stored at the back of their fridge. Fact of the matter is, he's terrified of what may happen if he tells him, so he's never brought it up. He’s had a hysterectomy, as his parents were able to pay for it when he turned eighteen, but he still has to use a packer, and the farthest they’ve gone is heavy makeout sessions in their bedroom.

Once Phil comes out of the bathroom, Dan takes his place. He picks up his travel bag, checking that his syringe is indeed still in place. He has to give himself an injection tomorrow in order to keep up with his schedule. It's not the first time his injection date has overlapped with a convention so he knows how to do it. He'll inject himself privately in the hotel bathroom while going through his nighttime routine, and Phil never notices. It's a system that works.

He does feel guilty for not just telling Phil, but he’s afraid. Afraid of possible rejection. Afraid of the unknown.

He riffles through the bag and pulls out his straightener, plugging them into the outlet in the wall. He sets it down on the counter to let it heat up, and looks up to his reflection. Since he started T, he has changed a lot. His face has thinned out a lot, his shoulders have become broader, his voice has deepened greatly, and his body shape changed a bit.

Since he started puberty blockers before he had to experience female puberty, he doesn’t have to get top surgery, and never had to bind. He’s lucky to have known his gender from a young age and that he has as understanding and accepting parents as he does. He knows many people are not nearly as fortunate as him.

He picks up his straightener again, grabbing a large handful of hair and running it through with the iron. As much as people seem to love his natural hair, he can’t see what is so great about it. It’s annoying, and makes him appear more feminine. Yet constantly people ask him to keep it for another video, especially Phil, who claims that it makes him look even more adorable. He shakes the thought from his head. Phil thinks it looks okay, but it still makes him appear more feminine, and it’s an unfriendly reminder of when he was little and used to have long, curly hair. He shudders at the thought.

“Dan, I’m ordering room service, what would you like?” Phil calls from behind the door. Dan sets down his iron, unplugging it from the wall and setting it down on the counter to cool down. He goes to the door and opens it, walking over to where is sitting on the bed, phone pressed to his ear and looking up at him expectantly.

“Pancakes. If they don’t have them, waffles or eggs,” Dan replies, settling down on the bed next to Phil, picking his iPhone up and unlocking it, going to Twitter. He quickly types out a message and tweets it

**@danisnotonfire: playlist is one of the only weekends i actually get out of bed before noon you guys should be thankful i’m sacrificing this for you**

Suddenly he feels a arms wrap around his waist, followed by enough pressure to push him back down onto the bed. He looks up to see a pair a deep, ocean blue eyes staring lovingly into his own.

“Hello, love,” Phil says, giggling lightly. Dan can’t help but to grin at his boyfriend’s adorableness, raising his head up enough to close the gap between them and press their lips together in a gentle, simple kiss. He feels Phil smile into the kiss, and they pull away after a few seconds, simply taking each other in, an overwhelming feeling of contentment between the both of them.

Then comes a knock on the door, and Dan groans as Phil lets go of him, giving him an apologetic look and hurrying to the door.

“I don’t think it’s room service, that’d be too quick,” he says. Dan gets up and walks to where he can see the door in full view as Phil opens the door. He smiles as Louise is revealed to be standing in the hallway.

“Hey Lou,” Phil says, stepping aside so she can walk inside. She smiles, looking up at Dan, who also greets her with a simple “hi.”

“Hey lovelies, I was wondering if you guys are planning on doing anything after about nine tonight,” she says. “John Green is hosting a party that all the YouTubers are invited to and most of us are going.”

Dan glances over at Phil and quirks his eyebrow, as to ask what his opinion. “We don’t have anything planned, we were thinking of going out to get dinner, but I guess this counts as that,” he says, and Phil nods.

“Yeah, we’ll come along. Something to do,” he says, giving a shrug. Louise smiles happily.

“Great! There'll be alcohol and probably at least some dancing because there'll be music, but who knows, most of the YouTube community aren’t the best at dancing, let's be honest,” she says in a joking tone.

“Well, we all know what I’m like in these situations,” Phil says, laughing at the mere thought of how awkward he is in clubs. Dan simply shakes his head fondly, a smitten grin on his face.

“I doubt we’ll actually dance at all, we’re probably like the least fit people in the world,” he exaggerates, and now it’s Phil’s turn to shakes his head.

“Alright, well there’s already a few other YouTubers in the lobby, whenever you’re ready just come down,” Louise says, reminding them of her presence.

“We’ll be down soon, we’re just getting room service first,” Dan says, removing his gaze from his boyfriend to direct it at their friend as not to seem rude.

“Okay, I’ll see you two later then,” she says, heading back towards the door. “Bye!"

The door quietly clicks shuts. Almost immediately Phil rushes back over to the bed and tackles Dan so they’re both lying on the bed, Phil resting gently on top of Dan’s stomach with his hands on either side of his head. He then leans down and presses his lips to Dan’s. Dan reacts immediately, kissing back lovingly. He reaches up, placing his hands on the back of Phil’s neck to pull him closer. He gradually laces his fingers through his pitch-black hair.

They pull away momentarily for air and then close the space once again, and the smile into the kiss. Dan is so intoxicated in his love and adoration for Phil, and he feels so fortunate that he’s able to call Phil his. He pulls away and looks up at his boyfriend, not bothering to stop the blissful grin plastered across his face.

“I love you so much,” he murmurs, giving Phil another peck on the lips. The grin Phil had been attempting to hold back spreads across his face, and he returns a peck to Dan.

“I love you, too, you dork,” he responds, staring affectionately into Dan’s eyes. Just then there’s another knock on the door, followed by a voice calling ‘room service.’ Phil gives Dan another peck on the cheek, and gets up, walking to the door as Dan gaze follows after him.

As he lays there, he starts to mull over things in his mind. When will he tell Phil that he's trans? It isn’t like he wants to keep it a secret, but he’s terrified of what reaction it may provoke. It isn’t right he’s kept it from him for this long, but it’s human nature to fear the unknown, and Phil’s reaction is unknown.

At least Phil knows him as being male, so he wouldn’t have to adjust to using male pronouns and a male name. It was harder for people when he first transitioned, and it took quite a while for family members to stop calling him Danielle. A few, even if they were only two or three, cut themselves off from his nuclear family, and have since not made any attempt to contact them, not that he wants to speak to them anyway. He’s going to have to tell Phil eventually, he’s just not ready yet.

* * *

Dan walks along with his small rucksack slung over his shoulder, filled with a few of the smaller trinkets he and Phil need for Playlist, including their Polaroid camera among other things. His hand is linked with Phil’s as they usually do until they get down to the hotel lobby, where fans may see them.

Dan looks down at his feet, smiling to himself. Peaceful, happy moments like this are what he lives for. The calm before the storm, the storm being the craze that will be Playlist. As they reach the elevator to go down to the lobby, Phil unfortunately drops his hand. It’s times like this that he really just wishes they could tell their fans about them, but there are a lot of risks.

One of the big things is that he doesn’t want Phil getting any more hate then he already gets. He knows how much it can affect him, and he doesn’t want it to get even worse. Although most people have already made assumptions, and he doesn’t want to lie saying they aren’t together like he did back in 2012. That wasn’t a good time in their relationship.

They never broke up, as many of the head-cannons written by their fans like to suggest, but they were at a very low point. They didn’t talk much other than arguments off camera, and it was apparent enough that both of their subscriber bases noticed the change. But even with the rift in their relationship caused by the unprivating of the Valentine's Day video, they still couldn’t stand to not be around each other. Even if they wouldn’t talk, they’d tend to spend their time in their lounge together, or just in the same room.

Even when their relationship was not doing well, they still were inseparable.

The elevator door opens, and fortunately no one is inside. Dan smiles and grabs Phil’s hand again as they step inside, pressing the ground floor button. As the door closes, they lean against each other’s shoulders, just taking in the small amount of time they are fortunate enough to have alone before the hell of the convention hits.

Now don’t get him wrong, Dan loves interacting with those who watch his videos, but it’s just awful not being able to show any affection that can’t be passed off as friendly to Phil. He wants to be able to hold his hand in public places and peck his cheek and nose occasionally without having to worry about a fan seeing them and then taking pictures to post all over social media. He’s felt this way for a long time, and Phil says he’d be fine with coming out, but if Dan doesn’t feel comfortable doing so, then that’s perfectly alright.

As the floor number reaches ground level, they drop hands and the door opens. As they walk out into the lobby, they spot a person standing and chatting happily with a few more familiar faces. As they walk over, Phil slightly behind Dan, the teen looks over at them and their face lights up.

“Oh my god, Dan and Phil,” Dan hears the boy breathe. He turns to him and smiles at him. While he's tall, only a few inches shorter than Dan himself, he seems much younger than he and Phil, probably fifteen or so. His hair is styled similarly to Dan’s, but of a dark auburn colour as opposed to brown. Dan notices the badge around his neck signifying him being a creator.

“Hi, how are you?” Phil asks, and the boy’s eyes widen. Dan notices him visibly shaking slightly, trying to hide it by clutching his sides.

“Hi, I-I’m Ross. And I’m, uh, doing good, I guess. I-I, um, just d-didn’t expect that I’d m-meet you two today,” he says, stumbling over his words. “S-sorry if I’m a bit jittery, it’s just you guys h-have helped me through a lot of dark, emotional times and you’ve had a big impact on my life.” Dan smiles sympathetically at him.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” he comforts, waving his hand dismissively. “I’m glad we’ve helped you, though.” Ross nods, smiling nervously.

“Thanks. It’s just, well, I’m trans and I’d watch both of your videos to distract myself from the stress I was having over coming out to my parents and throughout the process of figuring myself out. I just owe you guys a lot,” he explains, tears beginning to spring up in his eyes.

Dan perks up slightly the second he hears him say trans, subtly glancing over at Phil to gauge his reaction. He seems sympathetic, and smiles at Ross.

“Do you want a hug?” Phil asks, and almost immediately Ross nods his head, and Phil opens his arms, inviting Ross into an embrace. As they hug, some of Dan and Phil’s friends whom Ross had been talking to previously lets out 'aw’s, and when Phil lets go, Dan opens his arms and Ross gratefully takes the hug, tear tracks visible on his cheeks.

“Things will get better for you if they haven't already. I hope no one has been horrible to you over this, no one deserves that. You seem like a wonderful person, and I hope things go your way in life,” Dan says quietly to him as he hugs him, and he feel his shoulder become slightly damp, but he doesn’t mind. As they pull away, Ross smiles at them, wiping away his tears.

“Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me, I don’t think I could ever repay you for how much you’ve both positively impacted my life,” he says genuinely.

“I noticed that you have a Creator badge, what’s your YouTube channel?” Dan asks suddenly, catching Ross off guard slightly. His cheeks heat up and he chuckles nervously.

“It’s called Ross Peters, used my middle name instead of my surname and, uh, yeah,” he mumbles. They both smile and nod.

“Maybe we’ll check out some of your videos some time,” Phil says. Ross’ face lights up and he smiles happily.

“Thanks, that means a lot,” he replies bubbly, “And, erm, would you mind if I got pictures with you, just so I can remember this?”

Both Dan and Phil nod immediately, and Ross pulls his phone out of his pocket. Ross gets in between Dan and Phil holding up the iPhone, but Dan notices that his hand is shaking in a way that would make the picture blurry.

“Would you like me to take the picture? Your hand seems a bit shaky and I have freakishly long arms” he offers, smiling. Ross laughs and nods sheepishly, passing Dan the device.

They take a few pictures, making a couple of dorky faces and a couple of nice ones as well. Dan then hands back the iPod and Ross grins as if unsure at them.

“If it’s not to weird could you do one more thing for me?” he asks, shifting his weight slightly as Dan and Phil nod. “Well, I had this idea a while back, that because I’ll get in these really bad spots every once and a while where its almost impossible to get me to smile, I was wondering if I could record you guys saying something with my name in it on video and then you both hugging the camera, so I can watch it to try and help me cheer up?” They both nod, understanding the idea. “

Yeah that’s fine, that’s a good idea, actually,” Phil says, smiling his usual crooked smile. “What would you like us to say?”

“Just anything with both of you saying something that includes my name, just so I can look back on it,” he explains.

Dan and Phil both nod, and Ross counts down with his fingers and then points at them signalling that he’s recording.

“Hi Ross, we just want to say that you are amazing and we both love you loads,” Dan says, grinning happily. Phil nods as he talks looking into the camera.

“We hope you’re doing alright, and if not, here’s a big hug from us!” Phil says, and they both move forward and awkwardly hug around the area of the iPod before moving back a second or two later.

“Maybe we’ll meet again in the future, but for now, we’ll just say we both care about you, and everything will turn out okay.”

“Bye!” they both end, speaking in sync. Ross ends the video and grins, nodding at them and hopping slightly up and down.

“Thank you again so much. I should go now, so that I can actually get to Playlist, but it was really nice talking to you, I’m never going to forget this,” he says happily.

He hugs both of them really quickly before backing away. “Bye guys!” he says, also looking to their friends who are standing off slightly to the side. Dan smiles happily after the boy as he begins to walk away.

“Goodbye, Ross, hope you have a good Playlist!” he calls, and Ross turns back to look at him, a grin plastered across his face.

“Thanks, same to you guys,” he replies, before hurrying off out of the hotel. They gaze after him for a moment, before Phil turns to look at Dan.

“He was nice, I feel bad that he has to go through that, though,” Phil says, a sad smile on his face.

Dan nods thoughtfully, and then they walk over to where their friends stand a few feet away.

“Hey guys,” Dan says, smiling brightly. Tyler, Cat, Anthony, Zoe, and Louise greet them, all with smiles.

They all know about Dan and Phil’s relationship, and have done well to keep it a secret. Well, other than a few instances, such as Cat slipping up in a vlog and Tyler stating that he ships them.

“Ross was a sweetheart, he came up to us and was so nervous about talking to us,” Cat says, smiling.

“He’s cute,” Tyler says in a thoughtful tone.

“Are you all going to the party tonight?” Louise asks, followed by all of them nodding.

“I’m going to this gay bar afterwards, if either of you wanna join,” Tyler jokes, glancing at Dan and Phil.

Dan looks over at Phil and attempts to ask him if he’d like to go without saying anything aloud. It seems to work because Phil nods and then turns back to the group.

“Sure,” Phil says, surprising the group. Tyler raises an eyebrow.

“Wait, really? There’s a pretty good chance that someone could spot you, either going in or actually inside the building,” he points out. Dan sighs, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh well, if they see us, they see us,” he states. Everyone looks at him curiously. After all, he was the one that went completely “no homo” back in 2012, and completely denied being gay for a long time afterwards (which technically is true since he’s bisexual, but still).

“Are you saying you want to come out, then?” Cat asks. Dan sighs and looks down, avoiding their eye contact. He feels Phil’s hand rest on the middle of his back, rubbing small circles.

“I’m saying I don’t want to hide anymore. If they find out, they find out. I don’t want to say it right out just yet, but at this point, if they see us, we’ll just deal with it as we must.”

He only hopes that no one will find out that he’s transgender, even though he knows he passes extremely well, enough that everyone just assumes that he is a cisgender male.

“So would it be okay if we drop hints, but not actually say anything specifically stating that you two are together?” Louise asks, and Dan nods.

“Yeah, that’d be alright,” he says, forcing a smile when in reality he’s a bit terrified. Then he feels Phil’s breath on his ear.

“Are you completely sure, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” he whispers gently. Dan nods, smiling softly to himself.

He can’t bare to go through another year with their subscribers not knowing about them being a couple. It’s already been too long as it is, and this is just a big step towards finally revealing their big secret.

* * *

 

“So, if you don’t want to hide us anymore, are you alright with hand holding?” Phil asks as soon as their friends leave to go into the actually convention area.

They decided to stay behind a bit to see if any other subscribers were around, as they know it’s hard for most people to catch them as they don’t usually walk around just to meet people due to crowding. They only ever walk around if they’re going to their meet-ups or to find friends. Dan shrugs, letting out a small sigh.

“When we’re walking around, but not while we’re talking to fans, because it will give them the chance to ask. If we’re walking and someone shouts at us about it we can just ignore them,” Dan says. Phil nods, smiling softly.

“Let’s go into the convention area now, walk around for a little bit so that we can say hi to any of our subscribers that are already in there,” he says, as he starts walking, Dan following behind him moments later. Dan feels Phil’s fingers brush gently against the back of his hand.

He smiles happily, opening his hand for him to take, and Phil obliges, intertwining their fingers. Their arms swing slightly in between them, and Dan feel manic butterflies erupt in his stomach. It’s the first time they’ve shown any affection like this in public since 2009, and it feels just as amazing as it did all those years ago.

They’ll usually hold hands in restaurants, although that’s only under the table when it’s not too obvious in case they get spotted, but other than that, they never hold hands publicly.

They walk in a comfortable silence, just taking in each other’s presence. Maybe things will always be like this, soon enough, Dan thinks. It’s pure bliss, being able to do this and not really thinking about what would happen if someone spotted them. They just won’t answer if someone asks, and that’s all.

As they approach the convention area, they drop hands, and then push through the doors into the more crowded room. Only a few minutes later, people of all ages beginning coming up to them and politely asking for pictures and signatures. They smile all the while, staying close to one another, shoulders touching even though there is plenty of space around them for them to stand apart from each other.

Those who approach them notice, but say nothing to them about it. This is what they’ve wanted to do for a while, they just had been waiting until the time was right, and they felt ready.

* * *

 

“Dan, we have to go now, the party started fifteen minutes ago!” Phil calls from the bedroom as Dan plugs in his flat iron. He sputters in exasperation, placing down the iron on the counter.

“But I haven’t straightened my hair yet!” he says frantically, looking at the curly mop of hair upon his head.

After they had returned to their hotel room, they had both taken showers due to how they needed to relax, after all the stress of being around so many people and trying to not completely embarrass themselves in front of those who regard them as role-models. But because he had showered, the natural curliness of Dan’s hair had returned, and he hadn’t had the chance to do anything to fix that.

Phil walks in, smirking at him and coming up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist and using the other to unplug the iron.

“You’ll just have to have your natural hair for tonight then,” he says, and Dan sends him a glare.

“It looks weird and gross” he argues. Phil rolls his eyes at him, wrapping his other arm around his boyfriend’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder and pressing a chaste kiss to his neck, which makes Dan shiver.

“You're literally the only person in the world who thinks that. Now come on, we need to get going,” he retorts, before walking out of the bathroom.

Dan sighs, before turning and walking out into the bedroom. There were worse thing than this, even though he absolutely hates his curls. It may bring back memories from his past, but he has to remember that he doesn’t look anything like he did as a child, and he has nothing to worry about. No one will find out tonight.

Dan goes and grabs his rucksack from where it’s strewn across an armchair and pulls it over his shoulder, then walking to where Phil stands by the door. Dan places a hand on the small of his back, pressing a soft kiss to the older’s cheek.

“You’re lucky that I’m not making us even later so I can straighten my hair,” Dan grunted, and Phil chuckles, returning him a kiss to the cheek.

“You're a nerd,” he giggles, and Dan can’t help but let his lips quirk up into a happy grin, grabbing the door handle and opening it up, letting Phil walk through before him. As they walk through the halls, Phil’s hand loosely grabs Dan’s, intertwining their fingers.

They begin to approach the more public area, closer to the party, and Dan begins to feel worry claw at his stomach. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to do this and doesn’t feel comfortable doing so, but he just can’t shake the feeling that something will go wrong. He doesn’t want Phil to get hurt, and there may be people who do that. He guesses they can always use some sort of program to blacklist certain words and phrases, but the messages are still there, whether they can see them or not.

“Are you okay, you’re all tensed up,” Phil asks gently. Dan simply nods, looking down at their intertwined fingers. “We don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.” Dan’s head shoots up, eyes wide.

“No! I do, I do want to do this. It’s just,” he trails off, becoming silent momentarily. “Is it bad that I’m still scared of what other people will think?” Phil sighs, coming to a stop and turning to face Dan fully.

“I know you can’t help it, but you really shouldn’t be. Think about it, at this point most people assume that we’re together, they’re just waiting for us to say something about it. Just... are you one hundred percent sure you want to do this?” Phil explains softly. Dan nods again. He does want to go through with it, he just has his worries.

“Alright, then let’s go,” Phil says, giving Dan’s hand a comforting squeeze. The walk to the lift and hit the button, waiting side-by-side.

When the door opens, another person is already occupying the small space.

“Oh, hey guys,” Connor says, smiling at the couple. “Going to John’s party?”

“Yeah, I wonder how many people will be there,” Phil replies as they step into the lift. The doors close behind them and they lean against the wall as they begin to descend.

“I don’t know, but it should be a lot. I think there’ll be a lot of smaller YouTubers there as well,” Connor says, leaning casually against the railing on the side of the lift.

The lift stops, the doors opening into the lobby. Dan goes to drop Phil’s hand, but Phil grips his hand a bit tighter, giving him a reassuring look. They walk through the room, finding the hallway heading towards the party.

When they find themselves outside the entrance, Phil pulls open the door. Loud pop music plays in the background, accompanied by the sound of many people conversing. Dan feels himself get tugged inside with Phil, Connor entering after them and straight into the main room. Dan spots the area to put bags, and shrugs of his rucksack, placing it gently on the ground. He smiles at Phil, and they make their way into the party.

* * *

 It’s been nearly two hours, and at this point Dan can most definitely be considered drunk. Music blasts around him, and a cocktail in hand, he stumbles through the crowd. The alcohol is available in the bar area for anyone legally able to drink them, as there are a quite a few minors, even if they are mainly around sixteen or seventeen.

Dan says hello to any of the people who wave to him or greet him, smiling lazily. Phil went to go talk to some of their friends about half an hour ago, and now Dan is trying to find him because he’s craving some Phil cuddles. He sways slightly through the groups of people, making his way to the front. Maybe Phil will be there?

“Oh, hey Dan!” he hears a familiar voice say from his side. He looks up and sees the friendly face of Ross.

“Hey Rossss. I may be a _bit_ drunk so sorry if I seem a bit off,” he slurs. Ross just laughs, waving a hand.

“Yeah, it’s fine, my friend is drunk out of her mind,” he says, pointing over to some tall girl snogging some random guy’s face off. Dan shakes his head, still grinning.

“Have you seen Phil?” he says, swaying slightly on his feet. Ross quickly goes to steady him, leading him to the wall so he can lean against it. “I saw him about twenty minutes ago talking to Louise, but I haven’t seen him since,” he says. Dan groans, setting down his drink before crossing his arms.

“I dunno where he is, he went off somewhere a while ago and hasn't come back,” he whines, pouting. Ross smiles.

“You’ll find him, don’t worry,” he reassures him, patting his shoulder. “I’m gonna go grab my friend before she does anything she regrets, I’ll talk to you later.”

Dan watches as he hurries in the direction of the girl previously pointed out. Dan smiles lazily before resuming his wandering to the front. As he dodges past groups of other insanely drunken YouTubers, his head darts around, trying to see if he can spot his boyfriend in the crowd.

He nearly falls over as he walks around the corner that leads into the entry area, but then he freezes. He can’t move, his breathing catches in his chest, and he swears his heart stops.

Phil is standing by the wall, but in his hands, he’s holding the Polaroid camera and a small box, a confused and shocked expression across his face. Dan watches as Phil turns the box over in his hand, inspecting the label carefully, biting his lip thoughtfully. Dan quickly recognizes the box as the one that contained his testosterone prescription. He must have forgotten to take it out of the bag when they'd arrived.

Dan stumbles backwards, beginning to take jagged breaths, heart thundering in his chest. He knows, he knows his huge secret. He can’t quite think clearly as he runs back the way he came, trying to find another exit, one where he won’t run into Phil. He’ll hate him, he’ll be hurt because he never told him, he’ll think he’s a freak.

Dan can’t stop the flood of thoughts crashing through his mind as he darts out of the party, ignoring the people throwing him questioning gazes and asking if he’s alright. He has to get out of here. He can’t face the rejection he knows will come.

He darts through the halls of the hotel, finding the staircase and hurrying up it, feeling panicked tears beginning to fall down his face. He nearly falls over several times, and he attempts to steady himself with the railing. His mind is abuzz with so many thoughts and feelings and he can’t stop running.

He bursts out the door on his floor, muscles sore and chest heaving, but despite his exhaustion, rushing down the hall and quickly finding his room number. He pulls the key card out of his back pocket and slides it in the door lock, the light flashing green.

As soon as he’s inside, he darts across the room, grabbing anything within arms reach that belongs to him and throwing it into his mostly empty suitcase. His thoughts are jumbled but the urgency to get away from the hotel is the most prominent thing on his mind. He makes sure he has his wallet and ID in his pockets, throwing as many articles of his clothes as he can fit into his bag.

He grabs his travel bag, making sure all of his pill bottles were inside, as well as his flat iron. As he closes his bag, he roughly wipes his eyes, even though the tears are still flowing thickly.

He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, and when he pulls it out, he sees a new message notification.

_From Phil <3: Where are you, I need to talk to you about something important. x_

Dan chokes back his tears, before holding down the power button on his phone until it turns off. He pushes it into the very bottom of his bag, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Maybe he’s over thinking this, maybe he shouldn’t do this. He tangles his hands in his hair, letting choked sobs fall from his lips, his eyes squeezed shut as tears fall from his eyes. He’s so scared of what may happen. He doesn’t want Phil to hate him, he wishes he could have just been born biologically male, so he could have been spared all these difficulties.

He can’t handle this; he’s drunk, disoriented, and absolutely terrified.

Then, he freezes as he hears the click of a lock as the door into the hotel room, and he looks up, tears still falling down his cheeks. He watches as Phil walks inside, closes the door behind him, and looks up to see Dan sat on their bed, looking utterly petrified.

“Dan, oh my god, are you alright?" he says, shocked, running over to his boyfriend’s side. Dan recoils slightly, his tears continuing to fall, shaking his head slightly. “What’s wrong, what’s happened?”

“Y-you, saw, t-tthe box,” Dan manages to choke out, and Phil’s expression immediately softens. He wraps his arms around Dan’s body, pulling him so he’s half sat on his lap. Dan feels Phil begin to trace shapes upon his back, before leaning forward and kissing his forehead.

“Hey, it’s alright, take deep breaths, I'm here, I’m not mad,” he reassures him, and Dan clutches his boyfriend’s shirt like his life depends on it. Phil holds him a bit tighter, ignoring the tears beginning to soak his collared shirt.

“I just want to ask, to make sure 100% that I understand what is going on; are you transgender?” Dan nods, more tears escaping his eyes.

“I’m s-sorry I n-never told y-you,” he whispers, burying his face into the crook of Phil’s neck. Phil shakes his head.

“You don’t have to apologize, love, I just wish you’d told me sooner because it’s obvious that this has been something you’ve been afraid of for a long time,” he explains. “Did you really think anything bad would happen from you telling me?” Dan shrugs

“I don’t know, I was just scared, it’s kind of hard to bring up in conversation,” he explains, and Phil nods in understanding.

“You know, I already had my suspicions, with you always going to doctors appointments, and I did notice it sometimes takes you longer in the bathroom at night than usual,” Phil says.

“Shit, I actually need to do an injection now,” Dan realizes, bringing his head up. Phil wipes away the tears still on his cheeks, smiling gently.

“Here, I figured it'd probably be sometime in the next few days because you'd brought it,” Phil says, pulling the rucksack off his back and opening it up, pulling out Dan’s testosterone.

"Hang on I'll be right back," he says as he opens up the box, then rushing to the bathroom to get a syringe. After a few minutes he returns, having already administered the shot. Once he's sat back down on the bed, Phil presses a chaste kiss to his lips.

“Were you actually packing to leave?” Phil asks suddenly, sounding rather upset. Dan looks down guiltily, clenching and unclenching his fists.

“I’m a bit intoxicated right now, my decision making skills aren’t exactly at their best,” he mumbles. Phil presses a kiss to his temple, clutching him close to his chest.

“It’s okay, just never actually leave, I don’t know what I’d do without you, okay?” he says, adjusting Dan’s fringe so it doesn’t hang in front of his eyes.

“I won’t leave, I’m sorry,” Dan promises, leaning forward and bringing their lips together in a sweet and slightly salty kiss.

He means it.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Regrets Almost Made [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9740318) by [Fandom_Lover_For_Life126](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Lover_For_Life126/pseuds/Fandom_Lover_For_Life126)




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